I have always considered myself to be a social butterfly. I honestly do not have a natural fear of
people and I am not afraid of disclosing information about myself to complete
strangers. My mother has always said
that this is one of my flaws. I am very
trusting and oblivious to the evils of the world. I personally do not think I am so naïve but
more so forgiving and open-minded. I
believe that everyone has something to teach us. Therefore, I enter all relationships with the
mindset that I will learn something from that individual.
I can strike up
conversations with anyone. I’ve been
told I can even make friends at a funeral, and that is very true. I used to live in a very shabby neighborhood
in Richmond, Virginia. There was
literally a crack house on my block and vagabonds littered the 7-Eleven at the
corner of my street. I worked nights as
a bartender and would arrive home very late. Most people would say my neighborhood was not
very safe, but in all honestly, I think it’s only a matter of perspective. In my eyes, like it or not, these people were
my neighbors. I always believed the
saying “keep your friends close and keep your enemies closer”. In this aspect, I was always friendly with the
bums, junkies and even the stray cats. I
don’t think I was reckless, but I always made a point to always have a kind
word to say. My ease for conversation
was not just limited to like-minded peers as I could strike up long and deep
conversations even with the homeless gentleman that lived on my street. And as always, they always had something to
teach me. Therefore, I never steer away
from meeting someone or randomly chatting with a stranger. Once I struck up a thirty minute conversation
with a lady in a train station bathroom as she braided her hair. In that thirty minutes I found out she was a
grandmother of 5, raised her children on her own, she was an African-American Muslim
and a direct descendant of a member of the black panthers, a black
revolutionary socialist organization active in the United States in
the late sixties. I have to say that was
the most interesting thirty minutes of my day. We ended up exchanging emails.
I think that my
ease for talking to strangers has a lot to do with my upbringing. My father was in the Navy and we travelled and
moved around a lot. We were hardly ever
in the same country for more than 3 or 4 years at a time. By the time I made a group of friends we were
on the move again. This constant change
forced me to learn to make friends quick because I didn’t have much time to lollygag
around. I had to meet people and get
settled quickly if I was going to have any sense of stability at our next
location. Also, living in so many
different countries has instilled a cultural richness in me that has allowed me
to adapt quickly to any environment. I
am able to speak to anyone regardless of culture, language, religion, sex or
even sexual orientation. I am curious
about people, not easily offended and willing to learn something new. When my best friend in grade school asked me
if I wanted to go with her to church and be “born again”, I said yes. When my Hindu friend asked me to go to temple
with her, I said yes. When I played
nanny to the children of a Jewish family
and had to learn about separating the meats from the dairy and how to behave in
a Bar Mitzvah , I happily did. In New
Orleans I was asked to participate in a voodoo ceremony that honors the dead
and I brought my offering and joined in the celebration willingly. I have always been intrigued by strangers and
fearless when it comes to making contact and placing myself into situations
where contact is inevitable.
In the book
Messages we learn about guidelines for making contact. One important thing to consider is body
language. Again, being Spanish, body
language is infused in our way of communication. In our culture we intrude into the spaces of
others, even with complete strangers. Personal
spaces are smaller. We tend to lean in,
touch and use eye contact when meeting new people (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009). It is customary to give two kisses on the
cheek when introduced to a new person. Women
exchange kisses when meeting as do women and men. Although men shake hands with men unless they
are good friends and therefore the kisses on the cheek are appropriate. I also am no stranger to ice breaker as I am
used to connecting with strangers. McKay
et al. also mention the use of ritual and informational questions in making
contact. I feel that I dominate the use
of both types of questions in my communications with people. Self-disclosure is another important factor to
consider when trying to connect with new people. McKay et al. identify three stages of
self-disclosure which are informational, basic intimacy where you disclose
thoughts, needs and feelings about something in the past or future; and a third
stage in which you reveal your feelings about the person you are connecting
with. I am quite comfortable in all
three stages of self-disclosure.
In all honesty, I
believe I have become quite the expert in making contacts because my social
survival counted on it. The only lesson
I feel I can learn from our reading is the ability to actively listen. I generally am a very considerate and active
listener and like to engage in ways that make the person I am conversing with
feel like they are being heard. But I
also have a tendency to zone out during conversations because something they
have said has triggered a memory or I am just distracted by something else. I am somewhat ADHD and therefore easily
distracted. It would be helpful to me to
find ways to stay tuned into conversations and keep my mind from wandering. This is probably my worst flaw when it comes
to communication.
I feel that
learning to make contact is essential to living a full life. Everyone you meet in life, even your family
when you first came into this world, is or was a stranger at some point. Your husband, best friend, employer and school
teacher were strangers. Talking to
strangers enriches our life and gives it purpose. We learn from strangers. Margo Hannah sums it up best when she says “I
like to share my stories as well and sometimes people unknown to me want to
hear my stories, but they want to hear it from my lips, not read it in a poem
or in a newspaper column. But, mostly they want me to hear their stories” (Hannah, 2012).
References
McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The communications skills book (3rd ed.). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
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