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The best example of my experience with high-performance teams is when I used to travel with a medical team to conduct surgeries in developing countries.  Our teams were formed based on the medical needs of the children that we were helping and the logistical support we needed.  The teams consisted of nurses, surgeons, anesthesiologists, translators, photographers and representatives of the clinics that we visited overseas.  In the course of seven days, we had to evaluate and diagnose as many children as possible and perform surgery on as many possible candidates that we could.  The whole process also had to be documented for fundraising purposes for the organization.  These trips required the use of high-performance teams.

Working as a member of this high-performance team required high levels of shared values.  In this situation, we were very lucky that most of our team comprised of volunteers who had joined the team because they shared in the common vision of the organization, and that was to provide surgery for children in need.  It was very easy to work with everyone in the group, because no matter what our differences or opinions, the unwavering opinion of everyone was that the children and their needed surgeries came first.  Therefore, we were able to resolve our differences very quickly united by this common value.

Denning describes four work patterns of working together (Denning, 2011).  In one particular situation I experienced both positive and negative experiences alike.  I used to belong to this esoteric/spiritual online community.  People from all walks of life and all types of beliefs would come together and share their experiences, thoughts, fears and enlightening moments.  I used to love logging on to this forum and in fact made some very interesting friends.  Generally, I don’t make long term friends from these forums since you don’t really “meet” anyone, but in this particular case I made a few lasting friends who I still keep in touch with until this day.  I think this pattern of working together was very successful in this case because the community was formed by many like-minded individuals.  People were open-minded and hungry to learn from each other.  Also, the community monitor had rules that all members had to abide by which included being respectful to other members, using appropriate language, and things of this nature.  The negative experience from the online community came when a new member joined.  At first everything was great, he had a lot of knowledge and experience to share with the group.  But his communication style was aggressive.  It always seemed like he was on the attack and used sarcasm and put-downs when others did not agree with his opinions (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009).  I believed that this individual was what McKay et al. described as experiencing “criticism as rejection”.  It seemed to be a defense mechanism. 

Eventually, this new member to our peaceful online community became a nuisance.  It became a game of “us” against “him”.  The humorous part of all of it is that he seemed to enjoy being the center of attention, even if it was negative attention.  People wanted him out of the group, but he had not broken the rules to the level to get thrown out, but he was testing his limits.  At first, I too was angry and joined the mob but as I began to get to know this member better, I began to respect him for the knowledge he shared.  He was in terms of esotericism, very highly evolved and this fascinated me.  If I was going to pick his meanie brain, I needed to get over these feelings of anger and offense.  I began dialoguing with this individual.  This time though I entered the discussions with an air of intrigue and genuine desire to listen instead of guarded defensiveness which is how we usually interacted with him.  Whenever his responses seemed hostile or humiliating, I responded assertively to his statements and either agreed with him, agreed in part or agreed in probability (McKay et al., 2009).  I believe that I was able to defuse his hostility because he felt that I was really trying to understand his perspective.  Larry Dressler explains in his video that “the most important influencing skill leaders have is actually their ability to listen deeply and attentively to other people, and to inquire into their perspectives, especially when that person’s perspective is different or conflicting with their own” (Dressler, 2011).   I think his feelings were as Dressler put it “now I’m ready to hear him, because he’s heard me”.  I feel I was able to influence the outcome of this negative experience by helping the others in the group understand this new member and try to see things from his perspective.  Also, once the other members saw the shared bond between me and the “outsider” they were more willing to enter into discussions with him.

In closing, I think that high-performance teams can only succeed if all members have the same common values and are willing to listen to each other and respect and understand the perspectives of the other members.  Also, the assertive-style of communication, in my opinion, is probably the most effective mode of communicating within a high-performance team because it allows you to maintain your beliefs and express your feelings while still respecting and accepting those of your teammates.

References

Denning, S. (2011). The leader’s guide to storytelling: Mastering the art and discipline of business narrative. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Dressler, L. []. (2011). The greatest source of influence  [Video file]. Retrieved from http://library.books24x7.com.ezproxy.libproxy.db.erau.edu/toc.aspx?bookid=43097

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The communications skills book (3rd ed.). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

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Communication is only 7 percent about the words that you actually use according to McKay et al. (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009).  The other 38 percent is vocal and 55 percent is body movement.  Therefore, in order to communicate honestly and congruently, you have to make sure that you are using the body movements and vocals (pitch, volume, etc.) that match with the words you are choosing to use or vice versa.  It can be extremely confusing to speak with someone who is telling you one thing but “showing” you another.  A very good example is my mother.  My mother likes to play the role of martyr or damsel in distress.  Over the years my family has learned to understand her conflicting messages, in fact, it is a language that we have come to decipher perfectly. But it still upsets me when I have to go along and play the game.  I feel that she is not respecting me and her lack of sincerity makes me feel that she does not trust me with her real emotions.  Here is a typical conversation with her over the phone:

            Mom: Are you coming over for lunch today?

            Me: Not today mom, I’ve got a lot of things to do.

            Mom: (long pause) oh, what do you have going on? (Emphasis on oh)

            Me: Just a lot of homework.

Mom: (long pause) well…. You know your nephew’s coming, right? (Emphasis on the word right)

            Me: I know, but I just can’t today.

Mom: (tense sigh). Well you know I don’t care (emphasis on the “I”) but you really haven’t seen much of your nephew lately.

Me: Are you upset that I’m not coming?

Mom: Me? (Emphasis on Me said with a higher pitch). Well of course not, you know I don’t give a fig if you come or not, that’s your business (hostile tone).  I just thought you would want to see your nephew (manipulative tone).

Here are a few things I notice in terms of what McKay and colleagues talk about in their book in regards to paralanguage (vocal component of speech such as pitch, articulation, volume, etc.) and metamessages (how we communicate attitudes and feelings through paralanguage and other nonverbal cues) (McKay et al., 2009). When I have these conversations with my mom, where she is trying to have her way, her pitch rises as she pretends to be happy and okay with things.  The overall volume goes up and she tries to present herself as joyful when indeed I can hear the tenseness in her voice, holding back the anger.  And I notice the rhythm in her sentences when emphasizing certain words which give away her real emotions.  Lastly, she uses verbal modifiers such as “just”, “really”, and “well” while accentuating these words which in the end make her sound almost condescending. 

My mother also has many hidden agendas (McKay et al., 2009).  Her favorite combination of hidden agendas are the “I’m helpless, I suffer” and the “I’m tough”.  My mother at her core wants us to be concerned for her and wants the pity and attention but she does not want to ask for it.  She wants people to come to these conclusions on their own without her verbally conveying the message.  For example, if she has a doctor’s appointment and wants someone to go with her, the conversation might go something like this:

Mom: I have a doctor’s appointment today.

            Me: For what? Are you feeling okay?

Mom: Oh yeah, I feel fine it’s just to check my asthma.

Me: Oh, are you having trouble breathing?

Mom: Oh I’m okay now, I just had a slight episode the other day and I wanted to get it checked out.

Me: Well, would you like for me to go with you?  Maybe you shouldn’t drive.

Mom: Oh no, I’m sure I’ll be fine. I always have my inhaler.

Me: Well, maybe I should go with you.

Mom: Oh no, if anything happens, I’m sure I’ll notice it before I have a full fledge attack…

This type of conversation can go on forever.  Instead of just saying “yes” when I first offered to take her, she fights me off until I finally just tell her I’m going with her, end of story.  Her words are telling me “she’s fine”, but her real agenda is telling me that she is vulnerable, scared and wants someone to take care of her.

I began to notice as I got older that I inherited or learned my mother’s communication techniques.  The only difference was that I noticed my own incongruences because I had already noticed them in my mother.  This made me want to change the way I communicated with people because I didn’t want to fall into the same patterns. I knew that my mother’s tactics were negative and manipulative but I also noticed that she got what she wanted most of her life.  It made it easy for me to fall into these same tendencies.  After reading the chapters in Messages I can now not only identify these communicative problems but they now also have a technical name and also a solution. 

I believe I personally use many hidden agendas.  I never realized that this is what they were called.   I knew I used them as a defense mechanism to cover up my self-esteem issues but I didn’t realize to what extent or depth I was using them until I read about them.  Mckay and others explain that hidden agendas “protect you from rejection by creating a desired impression.  Over and over, they help you make a case for your essential value as a person” (McKay et al., 2009, p. 80).  First, I have to make it clear, that I don’t think improving on my paralanguage or identifying incongruences in my metamessages will fix my self-esteem issues.  I think good communication starts first with feeling good about yourself, but that is a whole different story.  I believe I can start to improve on my communication skills by first identifying my hidden agendas which are “I’m helpless, I suffer”, “you’re Good (But I’m Not)” and “I’m Tough”.   I know that last one might seem like a contradiction, but I really am a walking contradiction.  I have a hard time accepting compliments from people and tend to devaluate myself, but I think what I really want to hear is “your great”.  This again is my way of manipulating people into telling me things that I can’t say about myself.  Maybe I feel like its bragging.  In the same manner, I play the tough card when people want to help me, because I don’t want to seem weak, but honestly, I do want people to help me.  Again, I do feel vulnerable, but I don’t want to appear it because I don’t want to come across as a fragile victim but in the same way I feel fragile and weak and therefore end up putting myself down when people find value in me.  The complexity of my self-esteem issues are so deep, sometimes I myself don’t understand what I’m feeling.  But now, by actually having a name for each hidden agenda, it’s easier for me to identify when I’m playing that role, and I can change it.  Once I recognize the pattern, I can dissect my actions and become aware of the nonverbal cues I’m giving out.  Mckay et al. tell us that “as you become aware of your own nonverbal cues, you will discover that your body language provides a wealth of information about your unconscious feelings and attitudes” (McKay et al., 2009, p. 60). I feel that this new understanding of body language works like an emotion detector, letting me know what emotions I am feeling even if I’m not aware of them.  

I can also now use what I’ve learned from our readings in Messages to assist me in my presentations at work.  I have a terrible habit of talking in a standing position in the middle of the room with my hands clasped in front of my face.  I realize that this is also a protection mechanism that somehow separates me from the crowd.  I now understand that I am giving out the wrong messages.  I’m not coming across as someone who is confident and knows what they are talking about.  Instead, I come across as a rigid and insecure individual who has a nervous tic that makes her constantly rub her hands in front of her face.  Seeing myself now in my mind’s eye and the messages I must be sending makes me think how much time I’ve wasted giving these types of presentations with mixed communications.  I think the first step to conquering your demons is identifying the demon and giving it a name.  Once you name the demon, it’s not as frightening anymore and solutions come easy.

 

References

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The communications skills book (3rd ed.). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

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Since I can remember my constant demon in life was low self-confidence.  It is sad to admit that this “personality flaw” has plagued me for the better half of my life and is the foundation from which my current personality has been built.  Some would think that my low-self-confidence should not play a part in the formation of who I am today, but the truth is that it is a key element in how I work with others. 

Before I was born, my mother experienced something no mother should experience.  My brother died of crib death only months after his birth. Two years later I was born, with no obvious memory of this tragedy that my family had faced.  A few years ago my brother, who at the time of my brother’s death was only two years old, disclosed some information which would shed light on why my self-esteem was so affected. 

When I was born, my family, scarred by the past tragedy, smothered me with protection.  My mother took this instinctive need to keep me safe to unhealthy levels.  Needless to say, I grew up fearful of doing things.  This fear for my physical safety manifested into a fear of my future so my mom tried to veer me to lifestyles and careers that were safe such as teaching professions.  She was unsupportive of the dreams I had using manipulation and reverse psychology to cheat me into living her chosen life.  For years I grew up believing that I was unable to do things and became an underachiever in school and throughout most of my young life. In essence, my mom’s plan backfired and I became apathetic about life.  As a young adult I strived for the easy jobs instead of the ones that required any kind of real talents or abilities.  There were a lot of wonderful opportunities that I passed up because the fear of failing outweighed the desire to succeed.  In college I majored in Spanish because it was easy and I knew I wouldn’t fail.  Even after receiving my Bachelor’s I remained in school taking random classes as a way to avoid adult life.  I began working on my Masters in an interdisciplinary program (again to avoid making any major decisions) and got by working multiple waitressing jobs which were jobs that allowed for a comfortable level of mediocrity.

In January of 2000 my life would change.  I began a work study position through my university for a nonprofit called International Hospital for Children.  I would have never even fathomed the idea of working at this type of organization because it required a level of professionalism that I didn’t believe I had.  But, since this was a work-study program for college students, I believed that it would allow me the leeway to be less than average.  They needed someone who spoke Spanish, and this was the only talent I believed I had.

I began my employment with this organization as a simple receptionist.  Because of my Spanish abilities, I was the only one that could relate with the Hispanic families who came to the U.S. for surgery.  Most of these families consisted of mothers and their children from third world countries.  Many had never seen electricity or running water.  As you can imagine, my relationship to these families was intimate and they relied on me not only as their interpreter but as their physical and emotional support.  It was no longer an option to function at below average because now I had these vulnerable people looking to me for direction and assistance.  Without even knowing it, I was forced to step up my game, no longer for myself, but for others.  Through this job and my experience with these families, I started to realize that I was intelligent, resourceful, organized and confident when I wanted to be.  I was no longer the fearful little girl but a strong individual willing to do anything to support these families. 

My organization began to see all these hidden talents and asked me to work as an advocate for the organization and speak to local civic groups as part of our fundraising initiatives.  I had never spoken in public before, but I realized quickly that fueled by a passion that I believed in, I was able to do almost anything.  After only less than a year, our organization sponsored a trip to Guatemala.  The team would include a group of surgeons and nurses to conduct surgeries at a local clinic in a very poor sector of the country.  They needed a liaison and administrator who spoke Spanish to accompany the team.  Having proved myself to be reliable and efficient, my director invited me to go along.  The caveat to accepting this responsibility was that my position would have to change to a full time position and I would have to quit school.  This would be the first trip of many and my duties would increase exponentially meaning that I would not be able to fulfill the duties of this new position and continue school at the same time.  For the first time in my life, I was faced with a challenge that I would finally accept. 

It was easy to give up on myself, but every fiber of my being told me that my true purpose in life was to help other’s reach their fullest potential.  Maybe you can say that I live vicariously through others.  I now understand that it’s not as important what I am, a teacher, lawyer, banker, etc., but who I am.  I am someone who cares deeply for others, makes decisions that are sourced by love, and have a general empathy for all living things.  I discovered that what I thought was low self-confidence was just misguided energy and a not knowing who I am.

Since working for this organization, I have been guided towards jobs that provide services to people.  My work ethic is the product of empathy, respect, consideration, trust and genuine goodwill.  In my relationships with colleagues I demonstrate what Whalen describes as the pillars of credibility (Whalen, 2007).  I am confident in my expertise and I demonstrate trustworthiness and goodwill towards others.  This experience has made me a good team player because I am motivated by a desire to help other’s succeed and this translates well in group settings.  In regards to my earlier self-esteem issues, I learned that this trait did not have to be something that weakened me as a person.  Instead, this trait made me into the considerate and empathetic being that I am today.  My empathetic nature has made me comfortable with self-disclosure improving my relationships with others and with myself (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009).  Through self-disclosure I have an increased self-knowledge that is the source of my innovation and strength as a person.   For example I’ve learned that how I treat others in my  professional environments is a direct result of my previous fear of rejection because it allows me to see from the perspective of others and forces me to consider how others might feel in relation to my acts.  In the end I’ve been able to turn my weaknesses into strengths.

References

McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages: The communications skills book (3rd ed.). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Whalen, J. D. (2007). The professional communications toolkit. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

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I really enjoyed hearing Adichie’s talk and she told some very interesting stories but the one thing that was amiss in my opinion was the lack of emotion.  Apart from her words and eye contact, she did not stimulate as much emotion as she could have would she have used her space better.  For one, she stood with her hands on the podium the entire time.  I don’t feel that she was physically engaging with the audience.  I also felt that her presentation was flat, lacking dimension.  Her facial expressions were mute and nonexistent and she told her story in a monotone voice with little inflection.  Her voice lacked emotion.  Whalen explains that “the words you say are less than 10% of the message” and attitude amounts to 90% (Whalen, 2007, p. 15).  Adichie, being a writer, is eloquent in her speaking and provides a language that creates vivid images in my mind when listening to her.  But I am deriving all of my meaning solely from the content of her presentation and nothing through her as the speaker or the physical space she is occupying.  Whalen tells us that communication is something that takes place in the mind of the listeners and the “meaning” that they contrive from your presentation is a culmination of not just your words, but your passion, heart and ideas (2007). This meaning is what impacts the listener and motivates them to buy into what you are saying.  Whalen further explains that “meaning starts in your mind and flows to your body, and then—through symbols of gesture, tone, and expression – to your audience” (2007, p. 20).  Adichie’s body language is not supporting the content of her story. 

 

 In addition to the lack of movement, not just physically, but emotionally, she lacks enthusiasm in her delivery.  There are no spikes of excitement, whether negative or positive that make me move forward in my seat.  Although I cannot deny that I was moved on a different level through her eloquent narrative and impacting examples, there was a sense of complacency and rigidness about her presence.  Part of me believes that as a writer, she is used to delivering her stories to a different type of audience, the absent audience.  As a writer, it is solely through the content of her writing that she can motivate, spark emotion and move her audience since the only sensory activity in this medium is the imagination.

In the structure of her story, I feel Adichie did encompass some of Denning’s main elements of the springboard story (Denning, 2011).  Her change idea clearly was to raise awareness of the dangers of creating a single story about a place or a people and how this limits our world view.  Her examples support her idea and she establishes credibility by presenting herself as the protagonist in a real time and place.  And although at first you believe you might not identify with the protagonist, she easily brings the audience into a comforting peer-like relationship.  She fully embodies her change idea by showing us how the single story limits our perspective of the world and she successfully carries this idea throughout her narrative.  She effectively spells out the alternatives by showing us how much color and depth we are missing from our lives from viewing the world through a single story.  She then shows us how we can change the single story to multiple stories that richly color our world and make it such a wonderful and dynamic place to live and learn.

Although her presence and delivery did not have the power to move me, I was emotionally moved by her eloquent language and ability to create vivid images through her descriptive verbal talent.  In essence, she made up in language what she lacked in physical presence.

References

Denning, S. (2011). The leader’s guide to storytelling: Mastering the art and discipline of business narrative. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Whalen, J. D. (2007). The professional communications toolkit. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.