Since I can remember my constant demon in life was low
self-confidence. It is sad to admit that
this “personality flaw” has plagued me for the better half of my life and is
the foundation from which my current personality has been built. Some would think that my low-self-confidence
should not play a part in the formation of who I am today, but the truth is
that it is a key element in how I work with others.
Before I was born, my mother experienced something no mother
should experience. My brother died of
crib death only months after his birth. Two years later I was born, with no
obvious memory of this tragedy that my family had faced. A few years ago my brother, who at the time of
my brother’s death was only two years old, disclosed some information which
would shed light on why my self-esteem was so affected.
When I was born, my family, scarred by the past tragedy, smothered
me with protection. My mother took this
instinctive need to keep me safe to unhealthy levels. Needless to say, I grew up fearful of doing
things. This fear for my physical safety
manifested into a fear of my future so my mom tried to veer me to lifestyles
and careers that were safe such as teaching professions. She was unsupportive of the dreams I had
using manipulation and reverse psychology to cheat me into living her chosen
life. For years I grew up believing that
I was unable to do things and became an underachiever in school and throughout
most of my young life. In essence, my mom’s plan backfired and I became
apathetic about life. As a young adult I
strived for the easy jobs instead of the ones that required any kind of real
talents or abilities. There were a lot
of wonderful opportunities that I passed up because the fear of failing
outweighed the desire to succeed. In
college I majored in Spanish because it was easy and I knew I wouldn’t
fail. Even after receiving my Bachelor’s
I remained in school taking random classes as a way to avoid adult life. I began working on my Masters in an
interdisciplinary program (again to avoid making any major decisions) and got
by working multiple waitressing jobs which were jobs that allowed for a
comfortable level of mediocrity.
In January of 2000 my life would change. I began a work study position through my
university for a nonprofit called International Hospital for Children. I would have never even fathomed the idea of
working at this type of organization because it required a level of
professionalism that I didn’t believe I had.
But, since this was a work-study program for college students, I
believed that it would allow me the leeway to be less than average. They needed someone who spoke Spanish, and
this was the only talent I believed I had.
I began my employment with this organization as a simple
receptionist. Because of my Spanish
abilities, I was the only one that could relate with the Hispanic families who
came to the U.S. for surgery. Most of
these families consisted of mothers and their children from third world
countries. Many had never seen
electricity or running water. As you can
imagine, my relationship to these families was intimate and they relied on me
not only as their interpreter but as their physical and emotional support. It was no longer an option to function at
below average because now I had these vulnerable people looking to me for
direction and assistance. Without even
knowing it, I was forced to step up my game, no longer for myself, but for
others. Through this job and my
experience with these families, I started to realize that I was intelligent,
resourceful, organized and confident when I wanted to be. I was no longer the fearful little girl but a
strong individual willing to do anything to support these families.
My organization began to see all these hidden talents and asked me
to work as an advocate for the organization and speak to local civic groups as
part of our fundraising initiatives. I
had never spoken in public before, but I realized quickly that fueled by a
passion that I believed in, I was able to do almost anything. After only less than a year, our organization
sponsored a trip to Guatemala. The team
would include a group of surgeons and nurses to conduct surgeries at a local
clinic in a very poor sector of the country.
They needed a liaison and administrator who spoke Spanish to accompany
the team. Having proved myself to be
reliable and efficient, my director invited me to go along. The caveat to accepting this responsibility
was that my position would have to change to a full time position and I would
have to quit school. This would be the
first trip of many and my duties would increase exponentially meaning that I
would not be able to fulfill the duties of this new position and continue
school at the same time. For the first
time in my life, I was faced with a challenge that I would finally accept.
It was easy to give up on myself, but every fiber of my being told
me that my true purpose in life was to help other’s reach their fullest potential. Maybe you can say that I live vicariously
through others. I now understand that it’s
not as important what I am, a teacher, lawyer, banker, etc., but who I am. I am someone who cares deeply for others, makes
decisions that are sourced by love, and have a general empathy for all living
things. I discovered that what I thought
was low self-confidence was just misguided energy and a not knowing who I am.
Since working for this organization, I have been guided towards
jobs that provide services to people. My
work ethic is the product of empathy, respect, consideration, trust and genuine
goodwill. In my relationships with colleagues
I demonstrate what Whalen describes as the pillars of credibility (Whalen, 2007). I am confident in my expertise and I
demonstrate trustworthiness and goodwill towards others. This experience has made me a good team player
because I am motivated by a desire to help other’s succeed and this translates
well in group settings. In regards to my
earlier self-esteem issues, I learned that this trait did not have to be
something that weakened me as a person. Instead, this trait made me into the
considerate and empathetic being that I am today. My empathetic nature has made me comfortable
with self-disclosure improving my relationships with others and with myself (McKay, Davis, & Fanning, 2009). Through self-disclosure I have an increased
self-knowledge that is the source of my innovation and strength as a person. For
example I’ve learned that how I treat others in my professional environments is a direct result
of my previous fear of rejection because it allows me to see from the
perspective of others and forces me to consider how others might feel in
relation to my acts. In the end I’ve
been able to turn my weaknesses into strengths.
References
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